![]() ![]() I don’t blame either side of this equation given the power of fame in our culture, but when someone approaches a celebrity and asks to take a selfie, even tentatively, it’s not really a human interaction at all. The regular person tends to be obsequious and anxious, while the celebrity seems distracted and uncomfortable. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen someone who isn’t famous interact with a celebrity, but it’s excruciatingly awkward. The problem with being impressed by people is that it subordinates you and dehumanizes them. Then, and only then, when we agree that you ghosted me (for the made-up reason of your choice) but now need something specific to my skill set, talents, or network, may you begin to lean on me for favors. Then, months or years later, you’re back? With a DM or an email asking for a letter of recommendation, or help promoting your new book, or an essay about the psychological toll of racism for your personal newsletter for a less than nominal fee (that last request was from a white person, obviously), as if nothing had ever happened? What is that? After ghosting someone, it seems obvious that you cannot ask for any kind of professional support or emotional labor without following these simple steps: (1) Acknowledge that you ghosted, (2) explain why you ghosted, and (3) apologize for ghosting. It’s always going to take me a minute to stop reaching out, because abandonment trauma, but I’ll eventually move on and try not to take it personally (with varying degrees of success). Working relationships don’t always last (even if it feels like more than a working relationship). I am by no means perfect (the ne plus ultra of honest self-evaluation), and, like everyone (in media), I have made some very bad decisions.īut let’s say we worked together in some context, were supportive of each other as colleagues, spent some time together socially, created a genuine rapport - and then you stopped responding to emails, texts, DMs, whatever. Do people figure I’m an easy target? Does this happen to others? I consider myself a fairly compassionate, generous person who answers emails in a timely fashion and has with pleasure put a lot of people on to a broad range of opportunities. Weirdly, this has happened to me a number of times - and in ways that range from the silly to the egregious - and I honestly need it to stop. She doesn’t need a store-bought card or a postage stamp. She may especially disdain those notes containing the phrase “I can’t imagine.” Your friend doesn’t care about your guilt, your excuses, your schedule to her, your condolence note, even a late one, could be a gift from a parallel universe where love and friendship can be reliably counted in days off, date nights, and coffee klatches. She will remember certain condolence notes as surprisingly meaningful and others as dashed off, obligatory, like a gift purchased from an airport store. ![]() ![]() She will remember - possibly as long as she lives - who offered to walk the dog, who made the Bolognese, and who sent the hummus platter. Perhaps as a way to rebalance the scales of cosmic unfairness, some crude, Old Testament part of your friend’s mind has assumed the role of condolence accountant, tabulating the incoming gestures and cards. Recovering from serious illness is like landing in a foreign country at night in the fog: a terrifying muddle with no clear horizon.īut just because your friend is unmoored by grief, don’t make the mistake of believing she isn’t keeping track. Caring for a sick loved one is like fasting: an ungrounding exercise of devotion and deprivation. Spending long periods in a hospital is like being on the moon. Your friend, meanwhile, is in the midst of an alternative timeline that began with the death or diagnosis and unfolds in a way that refutes clocks or calendars. We sparked office arguments and made messes and ended up with a guide that we hope will stand the test of at least a bit of time - until the next great exciting social upheaval. We talked to friends, entertaining experts, and service workers. (“It’s been great to chat” didn’t quite land when we used it as a way to exit a boring conversation at a holiday party.) Others felt like instant canon (we agreed, for example, that text-message amnesty is granted after 72 hours). Then we took our own medicine - we implemented these rules in our professional and personal lives. ![]() From there, we created rigid, but not entirely inflexible, rules. We asked people instead what specific kinds of interactions or situations really made them anxious, afraid, uncertain, ashamed. So we started with the problems - not the obvious stuff, like whether it’s okay to wear a backpack on the subway or talk loudly on speakerphone in a restaurant (you know the answers there). ![]()
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